the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
