I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
