drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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