someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
