Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
