You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
