Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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