We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
