Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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