just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
