I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
