If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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