oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
