I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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