There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
