My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
