i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
