I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
