Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
