Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
