First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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