you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
