I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't want my vagina anymore.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
