I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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