Pants 0. Shit 1.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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