be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize