Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize