I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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