I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
