I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
