I wish my penis had an off switch
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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