just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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