I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
