Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
