I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
