i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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