Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
