Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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