I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
