goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
