Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
