don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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