I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
