I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
