I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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