so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
