Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
