How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
