So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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