She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
