when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
