Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
