I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
