Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
