Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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