tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
