Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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