I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
