Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
